You know the ones that scream out with that buzz that shocks
you out of bed or rushes you to the snooze button?
For so many years I would have to be able to wake up fast
and alert and ready. And armed.
Now that I can wake up on my own terms, I make sure all of
my alarms work as silent and gentle
nudgers.
U2’s, Beautiful day.
Wind chimes.
Xylophones.
I didn't figure out the reason until my husband explained what used to
happen when he would wake me up. It was always abrupt. There was always panic. There was always fear.
Melody. Melody!
There was a time when that call was very different.
The first time, my mother didn't call my name. I just woke
up to shrieks and yelling and thudding.
I remember jumping to my feet from the living room.
I didn't have my own bedroom then.
My little sister was just under one years old. I can’t
remember if she was crying in her crib or not.
When I walked into the room I saw my stepfather on top of my
mother punching her… over and over again.
Choking her. Yelling at her.
I did the only thing I could think to do at 9 years old.
I grabbed my little sister’s baby carrier and slammed it
against my stepfather’s back.
Maybe I could hear my sister crying then? Maybe it was me.
Thinking back... I doubt I actually hurt my stepfather that
day… even if I thought I did at that time.
I was a skinny, knock-kneed fourth grader.
But I snapped him out of it. And stood between him and my
mother.
Desperate to be her savior.
From then on, I was a light sleeper. If there was an
incident I was going to be there to protect my mother.
Or sometimes there was no sleeping. Those were the nights
that I knew ahead of time that something could go wrong.
Now many years later… many years after those terrifying
screams that I still don’t know came from me or my mother...
Years later... I sleep much better.
Because God gave me a husband who let me stop fighting.
Even when I prayed that God would let me hold on to men who never knew my value.
I never knew I needed him. This man who would help me sleep
soundly and wake without worry.
But God knew. So I never had to ask.
Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and
burdened, and I will give you rest.Lord, thank You for rest. I know you had my husband in mind for me. And even as I prayed juvenile prayers over loves lost over the years, you knew the man I would need to meet, so I could finally stop fighting.
Amen.
