when the lights are out.

So much can go wrong in the dark... Especially when i first wake up in the morning. I hate to admit it... but sometimes I can misjudge the edge of the bed trying to get out... and I fall to the floor.  When I get up and start trying to work my way around the room... I stub my toe on the bed rail. If I shift too far to the left as I try to grab my glasses... I often knock over my cup full of water. If I step too close to my son's play area, i inevitably break a toy. And as I try to grab something out of my chest of drawers... another stubbed toe. If I can just get to the light switch.

Rifling around in the dark is never fun. Especially when that darkness is deep in your soul. I am trying to get bolder about some of my struggles... and the fact that sometimes things get pretty dark for me. Depression can be so taboo for people.... such a dark secret.In fact, I'm getting nervous about what some of my friends will think of me even as I write this. But it is so real.

After I spend a little time rifling around in darkness.... I know I can find light and peace in God's word. It's like finding the light switch in the room.  You know the light is there. Sometimes you're not ready to get out of bed and flip the switch. And then sometimes you have such a hard time even crossing the room to get to it.  But when I pick up my Bible... even if I read only one verse... I feel like God is giving me a great big bear hug. There's no kind of comfort like it. But it's a feeling I don't get... until I go looking for it.

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Lord, I know that my soul finds rest in You alone. But man, sometimes I really forget. I start rifling around for answers from everywhere else...but You. If I don't have the strength to do anything else... please give me the nudge I need to at least look to You.

Amen.
~MDT

Things Fall Apart

In my career as a television news producer... I've picked up some nasty habits. My job is all about timing. Every second counts. Every show has a deadline. It's a habit that bleeds into my home life. In the mornings I time out how long it will take to get in and out of the shower... how long it will take to get from my house to the first stop sign on my street. Yes... a little neurotic. But such is the life of a television news producer.

But sometimes things don't go as planned. my clock might be wrong. Something takes longer than I thought it would. Things fall apart. In the news business, a lot of times it's breaking news that causes things to fall apart. Beautifully orchestrated programming can be tossed out for a hurricane or a wildfire or a police shooting.

The great thing is...when things fall apart... something better can take its place. When breaking news happens during my newscast... it can give way to award winning shows. I think I've produced some of the best shows of my career on the fly.

Have you ever witnessed an implosion? When a building is brought down... it gets loud and there's a lot of smoke. But when it clears you are left with a clean slate to build on.

I have hit some moments like that in my life. The moments where I feel like things are falling apart. But when I look back I know that when I am whole again, I stand stronger.... I stand taller... and my faith becomes bolder. I won't lie. It rarely feels good when things fall apart. But there is joy in knowing that God is always there to help me rebuild.

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Lord, it hurts when things fall apart. You never said that it wouldn't hurt. My prayer is that you give me the strength to power through the toughest moments so I can become a stronger woman than I was before. I know that my tears don't go unnoticed. I know You hurt for us when we hurt. Please help me remember You are near, when things get painful.

"Your grace is enough." Amen.
~MDT

They call me "Captain save a Ho"

I'm so sorry for all who may be offended by that title... but there is no way to sugarcoat the title my good friend bestowed upon me. She called me that because of my tendency to want to help every damsel in distress. My tendency to want to swoop into situations that I have nothing to do with and try to make things right...sometimes at the risk of my own health, safety, finances and even sleep. That's the Christian way to behave isn't it? Isn't that what God called us to do... to be selfless as Christ was? The only problem with that is I tend to take it too far. Sometimes I help until it hurts. Hurts the other person... or somehow hurts me.

Take my nine month old, for example. His doctor told me to give him more tummy time... and to even let him cry a little bit so he can get used to it. Let him cry? Not mommy! I have to come to the rescue... that's what this mommy does! To this day... even though my son can flip over... he would rather mommy help him out. Then there's that ego of mine... I do love helping other people. But sometimes, I help only so I can feel better about myself.  I don't think that's what God intended when it comes to service.

I do believe that God wants us to be merciful and helpful to those in need, I also know that sometimes our desire to help... can become a handicap. A handicap for you... and sometimes the person you're trying to save. I'm also starting to understand that sometimes my continued need to stage interventions in people's lives... is my way of trying to get in God's way. It's me not trusting His plan. I do believe God sometimes calls us to step in for others. But I also believe that sometimes stepping up.... may mean stepping aside.

Ephesians 2:8-10
⁸For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰ For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. 


Lord give me the wisdom to know when I need to get out of Your way.
You have shown me time and time again that sometimes all You want me to do is pray... and watch You work. Please give me the wisdom to know the times when I may be interfering and enabling instead of truly trusting You. 
Amen. 
~MDT 

Baby Faith

When I grow up, I want to have faith like my nine month old son. He knows he is going to be fed. He believes that if he reaches out for me that I won't let him fall. He knows that if I hear his cry, that I will be by his side. I guess we're born with that kind of faith. We don't know anything else. Maybe as we get older, people start letting us down, so we, in some way, think God is letting us down. I want to remember the kind of anxious free faith that children have. The kind of faith that doesn't second guess. The kind of faith that doesn't worry over my budget, or my children, my marriage or my job. I know that God always takes cares of my needs because every day I've lived is an example of that. My goal is to not have to look back so often to see where he's brought me. Here's to taking a few baby steps. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  

Lord, thank you for what you've always taken care of. Thank you for your protection. Thank you for providing. Forgive me for forgetting. Please help me to remember that true peace and true freedom from anxiety, comes from truly believing in you. 

Cliffhanger

I was hanging on a cliff. I didn't jump, I stumbled and fell. I was at a point where I wouldn't have minded if I had fallen to the bottom of... wherever. It's one of those dark despairs where you can't see clearly through the tears in your eyes, the pain in your heart and the chaos in your brain. Imagine what it must feel like physically to hang from a cliff. The act of trying to support your own weight. The fight with gravity. I imagine someone holding on to me with one hand. The pain in my wrist. The scrapes from swinging back and forth against rocks. 


But oh, that hand.That hand. When I think back, I know it was God. God holding me effortlessly while I flailed about. Because I am a woman of faith I knew he wouldn't let me go... even though in my heart, at times, I wanted Him to. He let me wrestle with myself and Him for as long as I needed to. And when I was ready. He pulled me up. 


Psalm 139: 7, 9-10, 23
Where can i go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 

"Don't give up on God, because He won't give up on you."


Lord thank you for never giving up on me. 
Amen. 


~MDT

Sometimes I drive without my hands on the wheel.

Are you cringing yet? Yep, you read the title correctly. Sometimes I drive without my hands on the wheel. I really wanted to bend the truth on this one. I wanted to talk about other people who talk on their cell phones and drive. Or eat and drive. Or read and drive. But here I am... admitting that I am one of those people. It's part of a panic I have of trying to make the most of every second I'm driving in my car. To not get behind. But one day I was driving along and I saw a woman with both hands on the steering wheel. She looked comfortable... at ease. I put down my cell phone, readjusted my seat and put both hands on my own steering wheel. It felt weird, but good. I felt like a confident driver. I felt stability. I felt in control.Here's another admission. Sometimes I treat my walk with God.... like my steering wheel. I drive one-handed... reading a bible verse here and there. Praying every now and then. Picking and choosing days when I would  listen to God or be obedient. I believe He sees all of us coasting in our faith sometimes. In search of answers and direction... but not slowing down or quieting down enough to hear Him. Sometimes getting answers from God requires focus... sometimes it requires putting everything down and putting both hands on the wheel. 

Proverbs 2: 2-5

Make your ear attentive to wisdom,

Incline your heart to understanding; 

For if you cry for discernment, Lift your voice for understanding;

If you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures; Then you will discern the fear of the Lord

and discover the knowledge of God. 

Lord, help me to weed out the things in my life that take my focus off of You. I know that in You I find strength, stability and peace. Thank You for reminding me of what life can feel like when I stand strong in Your word. Amen. 

~MDT

I can see clearly now...

If you're someone who depends on glasses or contacts, you know what it's like not to have them. I remember the moment I first started using glasses. The doctor said, "Puts the leaves on the trees, doesn't it?" What a way to put it! I didn't realize that everything I was seeing before then was a blur. The leaves on the trees. The street signs. The moles on my face. I had my glasses off as I did my hair one morning. I was primping and posing. I thought it was perfect! Then I put my glasses on. Let's just say... there were quite a few stray hairs out of place. I was not as foxy as I thought I was. :) It got me thinking a lot about clarity. If we don't look at things with the proper perspective, things can look very skewed. Bad situations can seem worse. Great situations can seem like burdens. Sometimes the way we grew up can give us blurred perspectives. Hurt feelings can give blurred perspectives. Even hunger can give blurred perspectives. Have you ever told someone off at work because you skipped breakfast? I'm making an attempt to clear the fog in my life. To scrape away the things that have skewed my point of view.

James 1:5
"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

Lord, please clear the fog ahead of me. The fog in my head and in my heart. Help me to forgive without an apology. Help me to love without pretense. Help me to see the good in people... through whatever fog that may cloud my view of them. I ask for wisdom and clarity for myself and for my relationships. Amen.
~MDT