When the rainbow is NOT enuf

You are worth it. 

You are valued. 

You are beautiful. 

You are awesome. 

You are seen. 
Your pain is not in vain. 

You are clean. 
You would be missed. 

You do have a purpose. 

You are awesome. 
You are a princess, a child of a king.

You are good at what you do. 

You do know better. 

You are making a difference.
You are the difference. 

You rock.
You would be missed. 

You love. 

You are loved. 

You are worth it. 

You are clean. 

You are clean.
You are clean. 

You are. 

Because He is. 

  

 ^{Matthew 26:39}

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Darkness happens. I recently read a prayer request from a friend for a family that lost a loved one from suicide. “Committed suicide.” When I read the words they had a choking effect on me. I could hardly breathe….  We all have a time where we feel sadness or darkness, but for some people… people like me… the darkness is harder to swallow. It’s a battle most people suffer through in silence.  I wish I could have hugged this young lady and told her the things I tell myself. God does see you. You are not alone. You are awesome.      

  

How do you think God sees you? Write it down. And when you’re not feeling it, and perhaps want to quit… read it.

You’ll eventually believe it.

 Dear God,

I pray at this moment for those in the pit of despair and depression. At this moment they may not know what to believe or who to believe in. give them the feeling they need to have faith in you.

Amen

-mdt

Even a "Ho" needs a superhero

There was a preacher who once said that when you want to put your past behind you, you have to call it what it was. I used to be a whore. Or "ho" for short. At least that is what was said in whispered giggles as I walked by on my college campus, or among groups of fraternity men trading stories of female conquests.

Some women liked to call it being sexually free. I used to say it was my way of 'dating like a man'. That was much sexier than admitting that I used sex to get as close to men as I could...  desperately hoping I could keep them. Desperately hoping to experience the true love I used to read about in my mother's racy romance novels. 

I was young, naive and broken.

It started at age 13. I had weird short hair. I was skinny and knock-kneed. My mother tried to tell me my dark skin and long neck were beautiful. But boys my age were only into big breasts and backsides... things I didn't have.  I just wanted to get my first kiss. So I let an 18 year old boy I barely knew come into my aunt's home for sex. He was heavy. It was quick. On a floor. He did not want to kiss me. I only got his first name. I sobbed and cried when he left.

I kept trying. Trying to use sex like it was cupid's arrow. An attempt as ridiculous as cupid himself.  I'm still not sure why I needed their love. In fact, I'm still trying to figure that out. There were no discussions about what sex or love really looked like. My mother tried to teach me, but her actions spoke louder than her words. 

Broken.

Luke 7:37-38 There was a sinful woman in that town. She knew that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house. So the woman brought some expensive perfume in an alabaster jar. 38 She stood at Jesus’ feet, crying. Then she began to wash his feet with her tears. She dried his feet with her hair. She kissed his feet many times and rubbed them with the perfume.

I long for a moment when I can lay at Jesus' feet and wash them with my tears and perhaps wash away all of my shame and hurt. I feel like I have spent the last decade of my life longing for his forgiveness, but being afraid of how the other people in the room would judge me when I walked in.

"Look at that hoe. What is she doing here? Did you hear what she did back in the day? Who she did? Once a hoe always a hoe. Does her husband know?"

At this moment... as I write these words... tears are beginning to fall. I see these words as steps into the door of my savior's forgiveness. I know there will be stares. I know there will be whispers. But my superhero is waiting.

And maybe, if I take the walk, some young woman, wearing that scarlet letter, will learn to forgive herself and accept the forgiveness Jesus already has for her.

Luke 7:48-50 Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”⁴⁹ The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?” ⁵⁰ Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

Healing.

Dear Father, 

Thank You for making me clean. Thank you for saving me... even me. I pray now for the young women who need to know that your grace doesn't skip over them because of their past. My sins were dark and disgusting. Embarrassing. Life-threatening. But through faith, You saved me.

Thank you.

Amen. 

I can’t do standard alarm clocks.

I can’t do standard alarm clocks.

You know the ones that scream out with that buzz that shocks you out of bed or rushes you to the snooze button?

For so many years I would have to be able to wake up fast and alert and ready. And armed.

Now that I can wake up on my own terms, I make sure all of my alarms work as silent and gentle nudgers.

U2’s, Beautiful day.

Wind chimes.

Xylophones.

I didn't figure out the reason until my husband explained what used to happen when he  would wake me up. It was always abrupt. There was always panic. There was always fear. 

Melody. Melody!

There was a time when that call was very different.

The first time, my mother didn't call my name. I just woke up to shrieks and yelling and thudding.

I remember jumping to my feet from the living room.

I didn't have my own bedroom then.

My little sister was just under one years old. I can’t remember if she was crying in her crib or not.

When I walked into the room I saw my stepfather on top of my mother punching her… over and over again.

Choking her. Yelling at her.

I did the only thing I could think to do at 9 years old.

I grabbed my little sister’s baby carrier and slammed it against my stepfather’s back.

Maybe I could hear my sister crying then? Maybe it was me.

Thinking back... I doubt I actually hurt my stepfather that day… even if I thought I did at that time. 

I was a skinny, knock-kneed fourth grader.

But I snapped him out of it. And stood between him and my mother.

Desperate to be her savior.

From then on, I was a light sleeper. If there was an incident I was going to be there to protect my mother.

Or sometimes there was no sleeping. Those were the nights that I knew ahead of time that something could go wrong.

Now many years later… many years after those terrifying screams that I still don’t know came from me or my mother... 

Years later... I sleep much better.

Because God gave me a  husband who let me stop fighting.

Even when I prayed that God would let me hold on to men who never knew my value. 

I never knew I needed him. This man who would help me sleep soundly and wake without worry.

But God knew. So I never had to ask.  

Matthew 11:28

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Lord, thank You for rest. I know you had my husband in mind for me. And even as I prayed juvenile prayers over loves lost over the years, you knew the man I would need to meet, so I could finally stop fighting.  
Amen. 

Never Underestimate that dude on the corner

I was so excited about my run. I just started getting back to working out and I was... excited. I was so excited that I didn't realize it when my keys and my driver's license fell out of my sweatshirt pocket and onto the ground on a very busy Atlanta sidewalk.

In desperation I backtracked and found my keys near a pile of leaves, but my ID was nowhere to be found. I got stressed out as I sometimes do and started thinking about all the steps I would have to take to get a new one. A problem I made worse for myself, by not getting my Georgia license sooner.

Days later, I decided I wouldn't let the ID incident spoil my new motivation to get out and run. As I started my trek down Peachtree Road, I spotted a man in a big coat with shopping bags and wreaking of marijuana. He looked homeless. It was already dark, so I seized up a bit and plowed past him. He stared me down and I just knew he was going to ask me for money. I turned up the music on my headphones and started running.

I heard the man yelling as I ran. I turned and saw him waving and contemplated running away again. But when I took off my headphones I heard the magic words: "I HAVE YOUR LICENSE!"

This young man had found my driver's license two days earlier. He had planned on mailing it to my old address.

Thank goodness for that man and thank goodness I turned around. What's incredible, is that the man I had written off as a homeless druggie, lives in a luxury high rise on Peachtree.
I waited in his fancy lobby while he grabbed my ID.

The lesson I learned? Wrong or right.... people have layers. And when you decide who a person is before meeting them, you may block your own blessing.

Acts 10: 34-35


³⁴ So Peter opened his mouth and said: “Truly I understand that God shows no partiality, ³⁵ but in every nation anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him.

Lord, I want to see people the way you see them. I don't want to miss opportunities to be a blessing in someone's life... nor do I want to miss a blessing You have for me because I ruled someone out. Amen.

I've been living a double life....

I have often said that faith and fear are like light and dark: the two cannot exist in the same place. Not sure where I first heard that, but I believe the concept. If there is any light, even a glimmer, then you are not in complete darkness. But I have to admit, I have lived a life where I have straddled the line of faith and fear, of light and darkness.

One day, feeling I have a straight line to God, and others...feeling farthest from Him.

On one day feeling blessed beyond measure, and others... cursed.

A rock of encouragement for my friends and a pile of sand on the inside.

God and I have this history, you see. My failures and successes. My up and downs. I wish I could say my faith has been as consistent as God has been with me. He never changes, but I do.

Tough times can make me stop in my tracks when it comes to my faith. To go radio silent. To live & sulk in the dark. But when I choose to walk out of my dark house the sunshine feels so good on my face. His light.

He knows it is hard for us to trust when we don't see where things are going, or how He is working things out. But I do have the power to make a choice. A choice to take the same ligtht I lend to others... for myself.

My choice to see my past and what He brought me from as a match to jumpstart a fire of faith. I can't list all He's done, but when I do I sometimes want to slap myself for doubting.

Matthew 9:22

22 Jesus turned around, and when he saw her he said, “Daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well.” And the woman was healed at that moment.

Lord, thank You for my mother.
My father who stuck around.
A praying grandmother.
For freeing me from abuse.
From pulling me out of homelessness and poverty.
For teaching me I deserve love.
For teaching me how to love.
For protecting my life when I wanted you to take it.
For taking my risks and making them testimonials.
For my brother's life.
My sisters' hearts.
My mother's spirit.
And the gifts You give me.

Wait... Wait! Don't pray for me!

Are you like me? 

I have a life with an excellent testimony.

Triumphs and Tragedy.

Wins and Losses.

Because of God I've come a very long way.

But as much as I've grown in my faith over the years... I have one ugly secret.

I do not enjoy praying for myself or even hearing someone pray for me.

I didn't really pay attention to it before. I thought it was something unique to me...until I started telling other women. It's more common than I ever thought. And confusing.

How is it, I can pray easily for strangers.... and have such a hard time even breathing a short prayer for myself?  Why is it when a woman of faith tries to stop and pray for me, I get uncomfortable?
I don't really have an answer.

I do know it has a lot to do with God's grace... and the feeling like God's grace doesn't always apply to me. ...that any pieces of grace i get... are the leftovers that he has allowed me to have... the crumbs from the main table.

This couldn't be further from the truth.
Thank God there are no tiers of grace. No exclusive VIP club that gets past the velvet rope while others just hope to get in.
God doesn't play favorites.
And just like He takes care of that woman fighting cancer... just like He takes care of that husband who lost his job... He takes care of you.
Sometimes I don't pray about things that are important to me because I am afraid that it will look selfish or self centered. But if I am not right with myself... and right with God on my own, I can't be what He needs me to be for other people.

Matthew 7:7-8

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For EVERYONE who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Lord,
I want to be better when it comes to praying for myself. I know that I am Your child, too. Remove the spirit in me that makes me believe I'm not worthy.  Thank you for your grace... and thank you for what you do for me with or without my prayers. Amen.  
~MDT

Parking between the yellow lines

It's one of my pet peeves. You pull into a parking space and have a hard time getting out of your car because the car next to you... left you very little room to open your door and get out. Yes, they are between the yellow lines.... but barely.

I think that sometimes we can toe the line when it comes to parking in the lines. I'm talking about doing the right thing... but only the minimum. Sometimes there are days when I only do just enough. Just enough to get my job done. Just enough to clean my side of our bedroom. Just enough to fulfill a volunteer request at church. Just enough...

God calls on us to be more than just enough... because there are plenty of others who did more than enough for us. And one savior who did more than any of us could ever do.

Philippians 2:1-11 

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus... 

Lord,
I want to be "more than enough" when it comes to doing Your work. I want to be "more than enough" as a wife and mother... and as a human being. When I get lazy, light a fire in me so that I can be better.
Amen