I've been living a double life....

I have often said that faith and fear are like light and dark: the two cannot exist in the same place. Not sure where I first heard that, but I believe the concept. If there is any light, even a glimmer, then you are not in complete darkness. But I have to admit, I have lived a life where I have straddled the line of faith and fear, of light and darkness.

One day, feeling I have a straight line to God, and others...feeling farthest from Him.

On one day feeling blessed beyond measure, and others... cursed.

A rock of encouragement for my friends and a pile of sand on the inside.

God and I have this history, you see. My failures and successes. My up and downs. I wish I could say my faith has been as consistent as God has been with me. He never changes, but I do.

Tough times can make me stop in my tracks when it comes to my faith. To go radio silent. To live & sulk in the dark. But when I choose to walk out of my dark house the sunshine feels so good on my face. His light.

He knows it is hard for us to trust when we don't see where things are going, or how He is working things out. But I do have the power to make a choice. A choice to take the same ligtht I lend to others... for myself.

My choice to see my past and what He brought me from as a match to jumpstart a fire of faith. I can't list all He's done, but when I do I sometimes want to slap myself for doubting.

Matthew 9:22

22 Jesus turned around, and when he saw her he said, “Daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well.” And the woman was healed at that moment.

Lord, thank You for my mother.
My father who stuck around.
A praying grandmother.
For freeing me from abuse.
From pulling me out of homelessness and poverty.
For teaching me I deserve love.
For teaching me how to love.
For protecting my life when I wanted you to take it.
For taking my risks and making them testimonials.
For my brother's life.
My sisters' hearts.
My mother's spirit.
And the gifts You give me.